Apple sceptics cut to the core

Discovered the article below this morning. Can't overlook some 'news' to balance out the usual clutter we get from the 'Cult of Apple'.

Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers
SAN FRANCISCO—In a move expected to revolutionize the mobile device industry, Apple launched its fastest and most powerful iPhone to date Tuesday, an innovative new model that can only be seen by the company's hippest and most dedicated customers.

"I am proud today to introduce to those who really, truly deserve it, our most incredible iPhone yet," announced Apple CEO Steve Jobs, extending his seemingly empty left palm toward the eagerly awaiting crowd. "Not only is this our lightest and slimmest model ever, but as any truly savvy Apple customer can clearly see, it's also the most handsome product we've ever designed."

The packed auditorium, which had been listening to Jobs in hushed reverence for several minutes, then erupted into applause, with hundreds of men and women suddenly jumping to their feet and shouting, "I can see it!" "Look, there it is!" and "God, it's so beautiful!"

Screams of "Of course, yes, I too can see the phone," were also heard at this time.

According to Apple, the new iPhone 3GI boasts significant hardware and software upgrades, superior processing speeds, and a multi-touch interface that provides those who are "cool enough" with a rich user experience. The wide-screen display reportedly also features the most brilliant colors and finest resolution ever imagined.

"The new 3GI is as light as air," said Apple senior vice president Philip Schiller, reaching inside an empty display case, apparently to remove the mobile device. "See how thin that is? It's like it's not even there."

"Those who really understand what we do here at Apple are going to love this new product," Schiller continued. "Unless, you know, they happen to be totally lame."

Retailing for $599, the iPhone 3GI offers only the most special Apple consumers—the ones who believe in the company more than anything else in the world, and who would never, ever dream of questioning it—the ability to open dozens of powerful applications at once. In addition, the new multimedia device will provide true Apple fans with a high-definition video camera, one-tap editing with Final Cut Pro, and cut and paste.

Like thousands of others, New York resident Kelly Delaney called in sick to work so that she could join the line outside the Apple Store's trendy SoHo location days before the 3GI went on sale.

"Oh my God, I can't believe how much faster you can get online with this," said Delaney, who exited the store holding a cupped hand up to her ear and yelling into her wrist about how wonderful the new phone was. "The reception is so clear, and you can pretty much get a signal no matter where you go."

"Hold on a sec," continued Delaney, suddenly shaking her hand up and down. "I think my battery is dying."

According to Apple, the new iPhone launched in 22 countries and sold a record-breaking 8 million units on its first day.

"The selection of colors is amazing," said Paul Conrad, a Fairfield, VA native who purchased phones in black, white, and silver. "Not only does it look awesome, but it can do pretty much anything you want as long as you believe in it."

"The AppleCare Plan doesn't cover dropping your phone, though, so I'd recommend buying one of these designer protective cases," Conrad added.

While the new iPhone has been greatly admired and widely touted for its impressive voice and data communication capabilities, some Americans remain skeptical.

"Daddy isn't talking into anything at all," said 4-year-old Ella Conrad, pointing at her father, Paul, who has been obsessively staring at, playing with, and customizing the invisible phone since purchasing it Monday. "Daddy's pretending to be on hold with an operator."

Capt Kirk is climbing a mountain. Why?

Today's WTF moment comes courtesy of professional headcase William Shatner:


It is bloody catchy though!

GI JOE

Fans of dumb action movies rejoice, the definitive no-brainer of 2009 has arrived.

GI JOE is by all accounts a bloody great big mess of a movie, but depending on your age and your take, it’ll either be the greatest car crash ever committed to celluloid or a depressing realisation that you’ve lost £5 and two hours of your day.

Had this 12A production been released 6 years ago you’d be forgiven for thinking that Team America was a virtual shot-for-shot parody. The fact GI JOE comes some 5 years after the puppet-driven comedy underlines just one of its big problems, its completely out of step with modern cinema.



Cartoon pantomime styling, gung-ho over the top action, lack of basic character, acting (amazingly) more wooden than Team America and a storyline declared MIA from the opening scenes; GI JOE’s entire mission could be condensed to a one line briefing ‘Blow shit up’.

And it does. Without panache, intelligence, heart, intrigue, drama or complexity. Shit gets blown up. A lot!

The fact that the audience doesn’t really know why seems to be exactly the point of the movie. The opening credit says it all ‘Based on Hasbro's G. I. Joe ® Characters'. The many big, prolonged action sequences have the feel of a five year old playing with his action figures dreaming up more creative ways to bash big bits of plastic off little bits of plastic – just because it’s cool.

If you find yourself in the mood for a movie that’s big, over the top, brain-dead and as noisy as hell – then you’ll love this. Likewise if you’re under 12 years of age.

Everyone else, get ready for 118 minutes of butt-numbing madness as the big toys hit the little toys and the merchandise lines get ready for deployment.

Newcastle United: administration's whatcha need!

Ahh first day of the football season. Normally a day for unbridled optimism, excitement and the quiet belief that this year your team might just go one step beyond. That is, unless you're a Newcastle United fan.

These days heads ae buried in hands and the only surprises coming involve things somehow getting even worse. No manager, no new players, no sign of a new owner and ever increasing stagnation in the current set up. Call me a radical but at this stage I'd happily accept the club going into administration right now if it meant that the criminally incompetent regime now in charge were sent packing.

Ok, there's be a 10 point deduction and a fire sale of all the players to be accepted. But let's face it, under current management the club is only guaranteed relegation again. At least administration would wipe the slate clean and allow some progression. As it is, the club faces further rot and ruin before Mike Ashley cuts his loses and applies to be a priority creditor for a League One Club.

Still at least the club is providing some quality comedy fodder:

B-Roll

Couldn't resist sharing these utterly trashy, but oh-so good trailers for late 70s early 80s grindhouse cinema.

Galaxina (1980)


Star Crash (1979)


And then we have TORSO! A shambolic slasher flick seemingly about confused Freudian terminology mixing with semi-naked ladies and the occasional hacksaw. Hilarious right down to the briming-with-positivity way of calling the movie's title in the trailer (listen to hear what I mean). TORSO! Be prepared to have your screen saturated with terror.

Torso (1973) (defintely not safe for work and surprising that its even on youtube!)

Some DVD Hardware

No idea how I missed this the first time round, but shlock horror classic 'Hardware' is now whistling its way onto DVD this month. Following a review in Total Film, I've been digging around for more info on this chunk of 80s scifi-horror-action genius which (apparently) draws favourable comparision with 'A Clockwork Orange', 'Aliens' and 'The Terminator'.

Here's how Wikipedia describes the premiss:
The 21st century world is a radioactive wasteland as a result of a nuclear war. A travelling scavenger comes across the remains of a cyborg named Mark 13 in the desert, and salvages pieces of it. The cyborg head ends up with a metal sculptress, who is unaware of the cyborg's infamy as a governmental killing machine project that was scrapped due to its defects. Mark 13 reconstructs itself utilizing household appliances and metal parts, and goes amok.

Need more convincing of its simultaneous brilliant and dodgy appeal? Check out the trailer below:



Can't wait to get my hands on the dvd version of this!

S.

Potentially worst video game to movie adaption announced

There have been quite a few stinkers so far (Mario Brothers, Dead or Alive , Doom , Alone in the Dark
Bloodrayne… in fact most films by Uwe Boll)

But this could top the lot. Universal has secured the film rights to the classic Atari video game "Asteroids”.

It’s the 30 year old game featuring the little triangle that fires missiles at 2D, um, asteroids. I’m not sure what’s more surprising, the fact that it’s being made at all or that Universal had to fight three other studios for the rights.
According to Comingsoon.net, Universal is also developing movies based on Hasbro board game properties such as "Battleship," "Candyland," "Ouija," "Monopoly" and "Clue."

Seriously! Sadly it seems Michael Jackson died just as unfathomable weirdness was becoming cool again.

B is for...

Good to see the folks in Belfast have taken the new city logo to heart and truely made it their own. Great artistic subversion.